On sensitivity

Let me introduce you to two new words:

 

Muscle memory: when you have repeated practice over time, the actions become muscle memory. That means there are things you can perform automatically and in the absence of thought.

 

Outlet (n.): a way of expressing strong feelings

 

My schedule has been too tight for the past few years I haven't been able to squeeze in any time to play a new piece of music. Whenever I find time to study a music sheet and be able to finally play it until the end, I find it somehow very short-lived (like after 2 weeks without practice, I am back to square one and have to pick it up all over again). Funnily, I am still capable of one or two songs , those that I learned when I was much younger.  Somehow when I position my fingers, they are usually at exactly where they need to be to play the songs. I might have played it so many times it has become muscle memory.

 

But I don't play instrument for the purpose you are thinking of (I imagine you would think that I play for fun or for making an impression). Nor do I play sport for the same reasons. Whatever I do apart from work, be it playing piano, swimming, decluttering, prepping meals, etc. I do it as an outlet rather than as a hobby. I came into this revelation when my mama asked if I had a bad day after I played piano. Emotions of mine travelled the movement of my hands, onto the black and white notes of the instrument and out a tune full of outrage, melancholy, joy, void or anything you are capable of naming.

 

"In which do I bury my negative feelings?" I have a few students who came to me asking that question. Maybe I don't. I transform them. Into songs, into 25 laps of swim, into clean laundry. Sometimes I also study them. Being able to name them is the very first step. What causes them is the second. I read books and listen to new ideas, making relation here and there to further educate me about myself - a field of study that never tire me. This doesn't necessarily lead to an endgame where those negative feelings just suddenly vanish but the study itself sprinkles joy to neutralize them all.

 

Be sensitive, but sensibly sensitive.

 

So while there may be many more words to learn, today I am boiling it down to you to two:

 

Muscle memory: Don't allow anything to become muscle memory, especially those that do you more harm than good, like scrolling feeds or checking social media.

 

Outlet: Allow yourself to have negative emotions but find several means to express them. Most of us reach out for other people to help but it is more like buiding castles on the air. Maybe count on yourself first, for others may be swept over by waves of problems before it is your turn.